Emotion Regulation: The 6-Step Map Through Big Feelings

Introduction

Emotions can snowball quickly—one moment you’re managing, the next you’re flooded and reacting before you even think. Dr. Marsha Linehan, a psychologist who developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), created this 6-step technique to help people slow that spiral.

DBT is an evidence-based therapy originally designed to support people who struggled with overwhelming emotions and harmful coping patterns. Over time, it’s proven helpful for anyone who wants to build emotional resilience. One of its core strengths is teaching practical skills that bridge acceptance (this is what I’m feeling right now) and change (this is how I can respond differently).

This particular DBT exercise is a map through intense feelings. Instead of running on autopilot, it helps you:

Notice what happened (facts vs. story),
Name what you feel (primary and secondary emotions), and
Choose how to act (instead of letting urges drive you).

You can use it as an after-action review—looking back at a situation to learn from it—or in real time by running a quick version of the first few steps.

Scripture anchor—James 1:19: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
This passage reminds us that emotion itself is not sin, but impulsive action without reflection can damage us and others. DBT’s 6-step process builds the pause between urge and behavior—so your emotions inform you, but don’t control you.

Step 1: Describe the Situation

Start with the facts, not the story. What happened, where, when, and with whom? Pretend you’re describing it to someone who wasn’t there, or imagine a camera replay—no assumptions, no judgment.

Example: “Yesterday at 3 p.m. in the staff meeting, my supervisor said, ‘We’ll revisit your proposal next quarter.’ I stayed quiet for the rest of the meeting.”

👉 Coaching note: Naming the facts helps you separate reality from the narrative your brain started spinning.

Step 2: Identify What Caused the Situation

Now, notice what you told yourself about the situation. Your interpretation often fuels your emotions more than the event itself.

Ask yourself:

What story did I create in that moment?
What else contributed? (lack of sleep, stress, hunger, hormones, past experiences)
What specific event was the trigger?

👉 Spiritual insight: Our interpretations are powerful—Proverbs 4:23 reminds us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Recognizing the story you told yourself is the first step to guarding your heart.

Step 3: Name Primary and Secondary Emotions

Emotions rarely show up one at a time. Usually, one emotion comes first (primary), then others pile on (secondary).

Primary emotion = the first, natural response (hurt, fear, disappointment).
Secondary emotions = feelings that arise in reaction to the first (anger about being hurt, shame about being afraid, sadness about being angry).

Also notice what your body did: racing heartbeat, clenched jaw, tears, trembling, or exhaustion.

👉 Coaching note: When you can name emotions in order, you stop treating them all like one giant wave.

Step 4: Identify Your Urges

Every emotion comes with an urge. Anger might make you want to lash out, sadness might make you want to withdraw, anxiety might make you want to escape.

Ask yourself:

What was my first impulse? (yell, leave, text, scroll, cry, drink, overshare)
How strong was it (0–10)?
Did I want to act in a way that lines up with my values, or against them?

👉 Spiritual insight: James 1:19 calls us to be “slow to anger.” Recognizing the urge gives you that pause. You don’t have to obey every emotional command your body sends.

Step 5: What Did You Do?

Now write down what you actually did. Be honest, without judgment. Did you shut down? Speak up? Cry? Lash out? Walk away?

👉 Coaching note: This isn’t about shaming yourself—it’s about tracking your patterns. Behavior is data.

Step 6: Outcomes

Finally, notice what happened because of your response.

Short-term: Did you feel relief? Regret? Escalation? Calm?
Long-term: Did it build or damage trust? Did it line up with your values? Did it affect your body or mood hours later?

👉 Spiritual insight: Galatians 6:7 reminds us, “A man reaps what he sows.” Outcomes help you see what you’re sowing with your reactions—and whether that’s what you actually want to harvest.

The goal of this process isn’t perfection. It’s practice. Each time you walk through the six steps, you’re training your brain to pause, name, and choose—rather than getting carried away. That pause is where agency lives. It’s also where God meets you, helping you turn raw emotion into wisdom.